Have A Holly Jolly Christmas–Really–With Your Fostered And Adopted Kids

Happy Holidays can be a not so happy time if you are the parent or family member of an adopted or foster child. Children of trauma, or kids who suffer from Oppositional Defiant Disorder react to this season in unfortunate ways, making everyone in the house miserable. They usher in Christmas with dread, anxiety, anger, and behaviors that make a parent want to throw in the towel.

So how should foster and adoptive parents respond during this time? What type of discipline is the most effective in reducing severe behaviors? Can parents prepare ahead for the holiday season–ensuring that they are ready with tools for when the hardest moments arise? Starting with the question of discipline, we’ll give you a few tips.

The definition of discipline is to teach. Teaching requires preparation, thought, and ability to convey a message effectively. As parents, it is easy to punish, shame, and condemn, but it is much more difficult to provide true discipline–which looks like what we typically call training. Consequences, restrictions, and isolation require far less flexibility and patience than diligently training. Misunderstanding and fear drive many behaviors that fostered and adopted children display and recognizing that can be a big step on the road to healing for these kids.

Of course, kids need boundaries–understanding the why behind the behavior doesn’t negate that fact–but they also need our time and input as the adults who love and support them most so that they can make the right choices. How often have we made the assumption that our child knew the right choice but he just wasn’t making it? In times of stress, a child of trauma regresses and may truly not know how to respond correctly. In the months of November and December we pile on the stress because of the traveling and extra activities we add to our schedules. No wonder our kids turn into monsters!

So what are some tools parents can use this time of the year to make the holiday season go more smoothly?

1. During misbehavior, give yourself time to breathe and think before you act. Ask some questions to determine what may be causing the behavior. Is your son tired? Did he have too much sugar? Has he had enough of you today?

2. If your child was traumatized, think about whether or not his behavior is a result of a trigger related to the trauma. If the answer is yes, see if you can eliminate the trigger and approach him with understanding. If he is old enough, you may even talk to him about it once he is calm so that in the future he may have some tools to prevent his negative reaction.

3. Instead of putting her in time out or taking away a favorite toy, act out the right choice together (dare I say you should laugh while doing it?) and put that good choice into her motor memory. That is powerful stuff! It is also training, which is much more effective than punishing.

Whatever you do, don’t do the same thing you’ve been doing, if it doesn’t work! See the difference it makes when you approach your child with understanding and empathy instead of frustration–or worse, condemnation. I think you’ll find your holiday season works out much better!

Bryan Post is a husband and father of two children and also the founder of The Post Institute for Family Centered Therapy. If you would like help with problems like Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Encopresis without punishing your child, click on the blue text to get your free copy of the Parenting Solutions Journal. This publication is dedicated to helping foster and adopted children with severe behavior issues.

Why You Need Adoption Lawyer

First off, adoption lawyers are there to represent and protect the interests of couples who are going through the adoption process. Going alone is never a good idea as there are many people out there who prey on vulnerable couples by raising their hopes and often leaving them many thousands of dollars out of pocket with nothing to show for it. Your adoption lawyer should always present at any meetings so when potential child donors approach in this way and are looking for the money then you will have legal representation at hand.

It is your adoption lawyer’s responsibility to point out at the first meeting just what is to be expected during the adoption period and the law regarding the process and to re-iterate that no money will change hands at this point. Perhaps the most powerful scam is that of the scammer posing as the birth mother in a dire situation because they will often ask for money up front to pay lawyers fees to get the adoption process moving. In this case have your adoption lawyer simply ask for the name and contact information of the donor mother’s lawyer and with this data in hand, make contact with the attorney and ascertain if the request is on the up and up.

The birth mother in these circumstances has no legal right to pursue the adoptive parents for legal assistance. In order to ensure fair play on the part of the birth mother, the adoption lawyer will request contact details for her including a real address where she can be contacted. Your legal representative will advise against sending out money so the birth mother can make travel arrangements as it is very easy to cash these tickets in and would be virtually untraceable.

Proof of pregnancy will be required by the adoptive couple to ensure that the whole process is legitimate. Not only should this proof be supplied in written form, it will need to be verified by professionals and contact with the person who issued the documents. If the mailing of documents and information is continually delayed, or excuses are made when the items haven’t arrived then it is probably time to scrutinize the situation with your adoption lawyer a little more carefully.

One tactic that has been used many times successfully is the one where a number of couples wishing to adopt are all targeted by the same person at the same time in an attempt to illicit money with promises from them all; just another reason why having an adoption lawyer is a good idea. For an adoption lawyer, this type of situation is routine and they would request direct contact with the mother to check the situation as a refusal of this request would certainly be strange.

If proceedings do continue at this point it is important to make sure that the mother who wants her baby adopted is the not the person contacting many couples. To a professional adoption attorney, this type of deception is relatively easy to uncover as there will be similar details for both the person making arrangements and the birth mother as well.

The most likely time that a couple will be the victims of an adoption deception is quite early on when the enthusiasm is running high and their defenses are down so employing the services of a professional adoption attorney is well wroth the additional cost. As the adoptive couple is emotionally involved, decisions made by them are not always the best but it is important to maintain your composure and dignity if you wish a happy outcome.

You can visit: Christian Adoption Agencies plus Step Child Adoption Process for more reviewed accurate information.

Living With Special Needs Children

Listed below are concerns from parents of special needs children:

1. Do children with special needs have the same understanding of cause and effect, reward and punishment, as other children?

The fact is that this is not an issue. No matter what type of living being you are we akk have an interest in reward versus punishment to some level. Think about the bottom of the food chain such as a cockroach. Cockroaches despise the light and live to move around in the dark hours of the night. They associate good feelings with dark and bad feelings with light. They might not think about it, but rather just feel it based on experience and instinct.

Turn on the lights and the roach goes scuttling for darkness. In a very basic sense, light = punishment and darkness = reward. The behavior of escaping from light to dark is rewarded, and so is repeated.

But roaches are not trainable. To be trainable, you also need a memory. Dogs have a memory. They can remember that if they hear the word “sit” and they do so, they normally get a reward (a treat or praise).

The more sophisticated the creature, the better their memory and analytical skills, and the greater their awareness of time (i.e. that future events will happen) then the more complex the varieties of reward and punishment that can be used.

What reward and punishments should you dole out? Easy. Try first by experimenting with different rewards and punishments based on your own experience. Have a system of rewards and punishments that will affect your child’s behavior. Make sure that you are consistent. If their behavior changes then you have accomplished your goal. If it does not then take these two things into consideration:

a) your rewards and punishments systems did not have large enough effct in your child’s life or

b) your child could not create a link between the behavior and the reward or punishment. If you wait too long to respond to a behavior then your reward or punishment may have little or no meaning. This is especially true when dealing with younger children.

If your plan doesn’t seem to work at all then you need to stop and look at what you are doing. Make improvements and modifications. Try the system another time. Keep changing the system until you find one that works. If you are unable to find a system that works then think about the following:

You have tried all of the tips you can think of and your child’s behavior hasn’t changed. For example, maybe your child had PDD. You are required to complete a few hours of physical therapy with your child eacy day. However, your child doesn’t want to do the physical therapy.

You try everything in your bag of tricks and read the book thoroughly. You try different reward and punishment systems to no avail. You have struggled to make physical therapy appear like a fun time. No matter what you do, you are not accomplishing the physical therapy session every day.

What can you do to fix this? You have two options including:

a. You could become all upset and flustered about it. You get mad at yourself for your apparent failure. You feel like you are no service to your child. You want to find the magic trick that will make your child want to do his physical therapy session.

b. You stop and evaluate your situation. You take a deep breath and look at things practically and logically. You are okay with the fact that half the time the physical therapy session may not happen, but this is still an improvement from how much physical therapy your child was accomplishing last year.

Which option, (a.) or (b.), will yield a better result?

The problem with (a) is that it produces STRESS. And stress is unhealthy and unproductive. It means you are less effective, more irritable, and less fun. But it doesn’t produce any better results!

The reality is that there is, perhaps, nothing on Earth that would motivate Tim to do those exercise 100% of the time. Sorry. But we live in an imperfect world, and maybe the child in the wheelchair really will never walk. We would all wish it were different. But if that is how it is, then that is how it is.

Is it not better to dial back the expectations and the striving, and aim to achieve the best that you can GIVEN THE LIMITATIONS YOU FIND YOURSELF UNDER? And, surprisingly, often when the stress is relieved, and the fun returns, then performance improves. But even if it doesn’t, which would you rather have: a) 50% performance and everyone is miserable or, b) 50% performance and everyone is happy?

The key point is to not try to compete to an ideal level when it might not be a realistic goal.

Worried about your child’s performance in school? Concerned about special educational needs? Read more of Dr. Noel Swanson’s parenting tips and articles, and get a FREE gift, at his parenting advice website, and check out his book and free newsletter. Child Management

categories: parenting,adhd,autism,disability,family,education,School,health,child health

How to Deal with the Needs of your Special Child

Some questions I have been asked by readers of my newsletter:

1. How do special needs children understand cause and effect and also rewards versus punishments? Do they understand the same as other children?

The fact is that this is not an issue. No matter what type of living being you are we akk have an interest in reward versus punishment to some level. Think about the bottom of the food chain such as a cockroach. Cockroaches despise the light and live to move around in the dark hours of the night. They associate good feelings with dark and bad feelings with light. They might not think about it, but rather just feel it based on experience and instinct.

If you flip on the lights you will see roaches hurrying towards darkness under a couch or a crack in the wall. They sense the light and know that a feeling of punishment is headed their way. They know that if they head towards darkness they are heading towards a reward. This repeat reward makes them always want to scramble to the darkness.

Roaches don’t have a memory and can’t be trained like humans can. Canines can be instructed because they have a great memory. They know, for example, if they hear the word “sit” they will sit down in order to receive a treat or reward.

The more you go up on the ladder of life creatures, the higher memory functioning. Improvement of awareness and analytical skills surfaces. When these attributes increase, you need to vary the intensity of the rewards and punishments to have any effect.

How do you know what you can use? Simple. You start with a good guess, and then experiment. You implement a system of rewards and or punishments to modify a behavior (exact details of how to do this are in the book), and see what happens. If the behavior changes, the carry on! If it does not, then one of two things applies:

a) either the rewards/punishments were not sufficiently motivating (again, see the book for details) or

b) they were unable to make a connection between the behavior and the consequent reward or punishment. For example, if the time interval between behavior and consequence is too long, then the younger or less able child may not be able to connect the two.

If your plan doesn’t seem to work at all then you need to stop and look at what you are doing. Make improvements and modifications. Try the system another time. Keep changing the system until you find one that works. If you are unable to find a system that works then think about the following:

You have tried all of the things you can think of and your child’s behavior hasn’t budged. What do you do? For example, let’s say your child had PDD. You are required to complete a few hours of physical therapy with your child eacy day. However, your child doesn’t want to do the physical therapy.

You try everything in your bag of tricks and read the book thoroughly. You try different reward and punishment systems to no avail. You have struggled to make physical therapy appear like a fun time. No matter what you do, you are not accomplishing the physical therapy session every day.

So what is one to do? Well you have two options here:

a. You could become all bent out of shape about it. You get mad at yourself for your apparent failure. You feel like you are no service to your child. You want to find the magic cure that will help your child do his physical therapy.

b. He can step back, look at the situation, and take a calmer, more pragmatic approach, accepting that maybe 50% of the time is all he is going to get, and that that is better than the 30% that Tim was doing a year ago.

Which is better?

The downfall of (a.) is that you will amp up your stress level which affects everyone negatively. You are not having a good time and your results won’t improve this way.

Sometimes you just have to learn to live with the fact that your child may never be totally motivated to do the physical therapy. It’s sad, but true. It is better to work with what you have then cry about not achieving perfection.

Is it not better to dial back the expectations and the striving, and aim to achieve the best that you can GIVEN THE LIMITATIONS YOU FIND YOURSELF UNDER? And, surprisingly, often when the stress is relieved, and the fun returns, then performance improves. But even if it doesn’t, which would you rather have: a) 50% performance and everyone is miserable or, b) 50% performance and everyone is happy?

The key point is to not try to compete to an ideal level when it might not be a realistic goal.

What to Do When Your child is Expelled from School

The British newspapers and media have spotlighted the topic of misbehaving children in school recently. The topic of discussion usually ends with the answer that entails kicking troublemakers out of the classroom setting.

This time, however, the latest spin on this is to make the parents stay at home to look after them, once they have been thrown out of school.

Why would anyone do this? It is a nuisance to parents. The discussion also details letting special schools remain open, plus building more special schools for these misbehaving children.

After all, if the child is not getting on well in mainstream (which, since they have just been excluded, is clearly the case), then surely the answer has to be to find a type of educational environment in which the DO get on well?

So, if your child has been kicked out for bad behavior, what do you do? Here are my thoughts on it, having been through it ourselves with our eldest:

1. You have not failed as a parent. Don’t waste time having a pity party for yourself. Perhaps your parenting skills could use some improvement, but that is the case for just about everyone. Try to be a better parent by actively seeking out information through books and materials on raising kids.

2. The school has not failed to support your child. Your school does care about your child and maybe the mishandled education of your child is due to issues beyond their control like not having enough resources or poor teacher training.

3. Ask for help from the local education authority (LEA). They should be able to supply an alternative learning setting for your child. You need to be persistent when you contact them, but avoid being mean. You can ask your politicians and newspapers to help you get the engine humming if you need to.

4. Be prepared to have your child move on to an alternative classroom environment. Be ready for these changes. It is a great idea to comprehend that your child needs this assistance and to take care of it now. It will be much worse in the future if you avoid dealing with your child’s misbehavior.

5. Seek out help to see if your child may have a learning disability, ADHD or Asperger’s syndrome. These can cause disruptions in the classroom. There is an enviroment in which children who suffer from these conditions can thrive. It is a matter of finding that environment.

6. DO NOT try to pretend that your child is an angel and everyone is wrong about his behavior. Much better to agree there is a problem and be seen to be doing your very best to get it sorted out – but for that you need help from the LEA.

Well, that’s just a few quick thoughts about it.

Hope that is of some help to you, if you are struggling with this at home. And, if you are an educator, please don’t be one of the ones that keeps trotting out that nonsense about excluding children as being the solution! It helps no one, and solves no problems.

How to Deal with Your Child Being Kicked Out of School

The British have increased their media and news coverage regarding misbehaving children in school in recent days. The topic usually ends with a solution that centers around removing troublemakers from the traditional classroom setting.

This time the discussion was little bit different though. The new twist is that the notion that parents should stay home and watch their children once the kids have been kicked out of school for misbehaving.

Why would anyone do this? It is a nuisance to parents. The discussion also details letting special schools remain open, plus building more special schools for these misbehaving children.

After all, if the child is not getting on well in mainstream (which, since they have just been excluded, is clearly the case), then surely the answer has to be to find a type of educational environment in which the DO get on well?

This makes you to guess what you can do as a parent if you child has been sent home from school due to their behavior. Thinking about this in detail is my forte. Especially since I have had to deal with the similar issues with my oldest child.

1. You are not a bad parent because of this. Don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe your parenting skills could use some improvement, but that is the true for just about everyone. Try to be a better parent by actively searching for information through books and materials on raising kids.

2. Do not blame it all on your child’s school. Your school does care for your child and maybe the mishandled education of your child is due to issues beyond their boundaries like not having enough resources or inadequate teacher training.

3. Ask for help from the local education authority (LEA). They should be able to supply an alternative learning setting for your child. You need to be persistent when you contact them, but avoid being mean. You can ask your politicians and newspapers to help you get the engine humming if you need to.

4. DO be prepared to consider alternative placements, such as special schools or even residential placements. Better to deal with it now, than to have your child growing up with the bad behaviors!

5. Seek professionals to determine if your child has a learning disability, ADHD or Asperger’s syndrome. These can wreak havoc in the classroom. There is an environment in which children who suffer from these conditions can excel. It is a matter of finding the right educational setting.

6. Don’t be tempted to look beyond your child’s behavior or kid yourself into thinking that they are a model student. You may feel like defending your child and think that everyone is wrong about his behavior. It is more productive to acknowledge that there could be a problem and work it out with help from the LEA.

Those are just some of the issues you may have to deal with, so be prepared for them.

The previous tips should be of some assistance to any parent struggling with a child’s behavior. Plus, if you work in the education field please refrain from pointing to kicking the child out of the classroom as the only solution. That would not be a solution and wouldn’t be of benefit to anyone.

Your Family Can Be Whole Through Adoption

Many couples and married for that matter plan to have children, well it is only human nature after all and they often feel that the relationship isn’t complete without one but all too often it’s because they can’t have children. When a married couple wants to adopt a child their first step takes them to an organization, usually a private one like the church that specializes in bringing together orphans with people who want to adopt a child. Often the first port of call for a couple that wants to adopt a child is to a private, possibly charitable organization that helps home orphans with people that desperately want to adopt. People that want to adopt will often contact the church or other charitable organization that have orphans who are in need of a loving family to join. Usually, if a couple cannot have a child, they will turn to an agency or organization, often charitable that specializes in providing childless couples with a son or daughter. For a childless couple, adoption would seem the next course of action and the first place to look would be an adoption agency or charitable organization, often run by the church, to help find them a child to adopt. Adopting a child may be right for some couples but those that no longer hold any hope of conceiving need to consider adoption very carefully as it isn’t always the solution to their predicament. Adopting a child is always a serious decision to make and probably the biggest a couple will ever have to make, one that will affect the rest of their lives.

Sometimes the birth mother of a child is unable to cope or a single mother is considered unsuitable, yes this still happens in some countries, and as a consequence the child becomes available for adoption. Through the foster and adoption system, for example, children that appear available for adoption are placed in homes where the foster parents are planning to adopt. Owing to regulations, the Department of Social Services are being pressured into providing a more structured and long term approach to adoption and to allow more children currently in foster homes to be adopted. Adoption can be very expensive and many prospective parents cannot afford the sums being charged by some agencies and these costs can vary depending on how you plan to adopt, but if this is really what you want, do not allow this financial burden to stop you. One thing worth remembering before you decide on a specific agency is to check with the state records and ensure that the agency’s license is current.

As with such an important issue, there are many aspects involved in adoption. This paperwork is the last step in what can be a lengthy process and once completed the child will have his or her new parents. An adopted child in America for instance will have their birth name changed to the adopted parent(s) and entered onto an amended birth certificate with details of their birth mother and father erased. It’s vital that adoptive parents make themselves aware of the fact that adopted children will probably only comprehend adoption with all its implications when they have entered their second decade of life.

When adopting from your native country is not possible, International adoption is a very positive alternative. It used to be that children who were adopted internationally had little or no information about their parents and that there was little chance that they would in the future.

It is not only childless couples who adopt though, sometimes the couple has a child after they have adopted or just have room for more children in their family. Just remember there are many more adoption opportunities and incentives out there today than most people think, and there are also many children waiting.